This is seriously weird...

Thankfully, it's like an episode of Initial D.


For about a year I've been preparing for coming to China. I can't tell you how many days I've studied 5 hours beyond all the other homework, how much I did on my own over the summer, or how I nearly exhausted myself several times while I was here.

These past few days I don't know how to feel about things. My mind is mentally prepared to go home, but I think it got ready too soon. I'm here and I don't know what to do with myself. I want to be here, but I just feel like I shouldn't be here right now, like I'm on borrowed time and just wasting it, both people here and back in the states. Well, I guess it doesn't help that Spring Festival is over, and that is the main reason I stayed as long as I did.

I decided to cancel my plans for today and tomorrow (they really were just one big thing anyway). I just didn't feel like myself and all the people I would have been with don't speak English, so it would have been both incredibly frustrating and cold (gotta love the countryside and their lack of heat). I'm somewhat looking forward to tomorrow, though. It's been a while since I had the chance to go off walking alone. I'll have the entire day to do that up until about 5pm. I just need to take up what I'm not going to be able to experience again for who knows how long. Yeah... that realization finally hit me today. I was walking around with my friends trying to buy some last minute things that I want/need and I nearly broke down and started crying right there.

Really, it's strange. There's about 5,000 reasons why I have to go back to the states, but only one reason that makes me actually want to go back. It sucks that the two things I want in my life right now are on opposite sides of the globe. Oh well. I can leave for a while. I'm patient. It's probably a good idea to get a way for a while anyway. I haven't had a break since August, and my senior thesis might be the break that I need.